[2023-06-05] Supporting a loved one from a distance
A former colleague and friend wrote to me this morning to ask for advice on supporting a friend with stage four colon cancer who lives more than 700 kilometres away.
Inspired by this excellent question, I pulled together a series of practical tips based on helpful articles I read online and my own experience of being supported during my cancer treatment, often by people who weren't able to be physically present in my life.
The introduction to 12 Ways to Care for Someone When You’re Far Away summarized the challenge for my former colleague and others in similar circumstances:
In a perfect world, you could visit loved ones anytime with ease. Keeping in touch would be as simple as inviting them to dinner or going to a show together. Unfortunately, many people find themselves separated from their loved ones by distance. The desire to see someone in person is often out of the question.
So what can you do instead to both show you care and provide comfort to a friend going through a tough time? 12 Ways to Care for Someone When You’re Far Away provided a number of pragmatic suggestions.
Order food for them. If your loved one lives in an area served by food or grocery delivery services, order food that can be delivered to their house. Ask them what they need and like, and when to have it delivered. Choose prepared dishes or foods that require little preparation, such as cut-up fruits and vegetables.
Call or connect in the evenings. "The evening can be a difficult time for people who live on their own or don’t socialize much. Feelings of anxiety or depression can get worse at night. Loneliness and a low mood can also make sleeping difficult. Daytime activity can distract a person from their feelings of loneliness at times. However, when they sit down for the evening with little to do and nobody to talk to, sadness can start to creep in. A call or encouraging message after their evening meal can boost your loved one’s mood when they need it most."
Set a schedule for reaching out. "Ask how often they’d like to hear from you and put it in your calendar. Also, ask if they like phone calls or if they’d rather get something in the mail or email.... Scheduled phone calls or video chats can give your loved one something positive to look forward to. Regular contact like this may build more optimism in their daily life."
Watch a show, movie or sporting event together. "Many services have methods for watching shows or movies on different screens at the same time." [My sister and I did this during the pandemic, as I wrote about in A better day. Watching movies on Netflix and using the chat function to comment on the characters, scenes and jokes was a nice distraction from cancer treatment and the restrictions necessitated by the COVID pandemic.]
Read the same book. Make it the topic of a future phone call. Think of it like a book club for two.
Read to them. "Some people like being read to. If your loved one likes audiobooks or listens to podcasts, they might enjoy hearing your voice for a change. Also, there’s something comforting about sitting back and letting someone tell you a story. This can be soothing, especially with a familiar voice."
Send a letter. You could include photos of past times you were together. "The details matter less than the big picture: reminding your friend that they’re on your mind and in your heart."
Use technology to stay connected. This could include email, text messaging, social media, videoconferencing, or playing an online game together.
Send a gift that's meaningful for the person. Choose something that matches an interest you know they have that others may not. This could be a book, a flower delivery, or a subscription to a magazine. You can also send a care package of items that may be comforting when they are ill, such as a microwaveable heat pack or a small pillow, blanket, scarf or stuffed animal. [From a friend, I learned about the concept of a box of sunshine. As I quoted in Good karma, "A box of sunshine is a thoughtful care package that typically includes only gifts that are yellow. And, it's perfect for lots of occasions! A little themed box works like magic for cheering up low spirits and for sending well wishes to the sick. It's a happy surprise when sent for a birthday or even just because."]
Lend an ear. Offer to be a person they can call, any time they need, if they're struggling and want to hear a friendly voice.
Plan your next get-together. Simply having something to look forward to can do a lot to lift someone's spirits. "It’ll make you both happy to have a date on the calendar, even if it’s tentative. You can build excitement by making an itinerary of local sites to see, foods to try, or history to learn."
If appropriate, get to know others in the community where your loved one lives to learn what other supports they can rely on. Going the Distance: Caring for Loved Ones From Afar provided an interesting option that might be appropriate for some people.
Determine your loved one’s circle of support. "Make friends, neighbors, family members aware of your loved one’s condition so you have a network of support when you need someone to check in on your loved one. Those same people may also be willing to assist with errands and transportation to appointments for your loved one. Make sure you also obtain their contact information." The author of Going the Distance, who wrote of supporting his ailing dad from afar, said: "With all of his family more than 500 miles away, his circle of friends, neighbors and church family became invaluable to us when Dad was sick. He had ample offers from people to grocery shop, accompany him to appointments, assist with housekeeping, and most importantly, offer friendship and support. I appreciated his friends’ regular contacts with me to let me know how he was doing."
Finally, 6 Ways to Support an Ill Loved One From Far Away reminded us that we can support a friend or family member in another important way.
Be a welcome distraction. "Illness can be all-consuming, so when you do call, Facetime or email your loved one, talk about more than just their condition.... Talk to them about the things you always have: about movies or books; about life and plans and whatever takes their mind off of things if even for a few minutes. Laughter really can be the best medicine."
If—like my friend—you are supporting someone from afar, you might wish to consider your special talents and how you can apply them in service to them:
- You might be good at making others laugh, and therefore ideal for keeping your loved one's spirits up.
- You might be good at planning, and therefore talented at noting key milestones in your loved one's treatment and checking in when they need it most.
- You might be good at choosing gifts, and therefore particularly suited to putting together and sending care packages.
You don't need to try to be all things to your loved one, especially if they have others who are also supporting them. Being "present" isn't always about being in the same room as your loved one. It can also mean being available when your loved one needs it most, even if that's on the other end of a phone line, video chat or email.
