[2023-08-20] Joy to go
A friend hosted me for lunch today. What a gift that was: exquisite food, excellent conversation, absolute acceptance. I've always admired this friend. She nurtures and cares. She exudes wisdom. She turns adversity into empathy.
We talked about challenges we have faced personally and professionally. I shared a sentiment from US General Colin Powell, embodied in this quote from his book It Worked for Me: In Life and Leadership:
Problems come with just being alive, and even more come from responsibility. When they come, you just suck it up and get started again. You are never caught up. I've lived by the proposition that solving problems is what leaders do. The day you are not solving problems or are not up to your butt in problems is probably a day you are no longer leading. If your desk is clean and nobody is bringing you problems, you should be very worried. It means that people don't think you can solve them or don't want to hear about them. Or, far worse, it means they don't think you care. Either way it means your followers have lost confidence in you and you are no longer their leader, no matter what your rank or the title on the door.
I meant to share another quote (but our conversation moved on to other things) that came directly from my friend, almost 10 years ago. In speaking about what we can realistically achieve in a job or role, she had said:
I had to come to a realization that I had to set one or two objectives for the next two years, and that if I could make decent progress on those two things…that’s all they can ask of me, and that’s all I can ask of myself.... You’ll do a couple of things, and the person after you will do a couple of things, and the person after them will do a couple of things. So, trying to be a superhero is not really the formula for success.
I take two things from this: (1) every position involves problem solving, and (2) we can't solve every problem in a position. We choose the problems on which we can make the most progress—given our skills, interests and time as well as the urgency of the situation—and take them as far as we can. What we don't finish will get picked up by the next person.
My friend asked me how my family had coped with all the medical issues I've faced over the past three years. I said that they had taken their cue from me. If I stayed positive, they stayed positive. As I reflected on that conversation, I thought of another thing my friend had said many years ago:
Take care of yourself and take care of each other. You do not control everything that you deal with each day. What you do control is the way in which you respond, treat each other, and take care of yourselves so that you are resilient, healthy, and strong. You will find that if you look after people well…they will generally give you their best.
I will always remember how my friend treated me (with kindness, love and respect) and how she continues to make me feel about myself. It is as Roy Croft wrote in his poem I Love You:
I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am when I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what you have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me.
I love you for
the part of me that you bring out....
...and what Kaitlyn M. Yawn wrote in her poem Will You Ever?:
I don't think you will
Ever fully understand
How you've touched my life
And made me who I am.
I don't think you could ever know
Just how truly special you are,
That even on the darkest nights
You are my brightest star.
Today's lunch was my third get-together with a friend in the past four days. Sometimes we may think that we don't have time for meetings with friends, but we should sneak such moments into our lives as much as possible. We can take inspiration from Robert Frost, who wrote in A Time to Talk:
When a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don’t stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven’t hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is a time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit.
Taking a moment with a friend can do more than simply make us feel good in the moment. It can leave us feeling energized, validated and appreciated. January Gill O’Neil captured this beautifully in her poem In the Company of Women:
Make me laugh over coffee,
make it a double, make it frothy
so it seethes in our delight.
Make my cup overflow
with your small happiness.
I want to hoot and snort and cackle and chuckle.
Let your laughter fill me like a bell.
Let me listen to your ringing and singing
as Billie Holiday croons above our heads.
Sorry, the blues are nowhere to be found.
Not tonight. Not here.
No makeup. No tears.
Only contours. Only curves.
Each sip takes back a pound,
each dry-roasted swirl takes our soul.
Can I have a refill, just one more?
Let the bitterness sink to the bottom of our lives.
Let us take this joy to go.
I took the joy of today to go (along with the remainder of a lovely chocolate mousse cake). Today will feed my soul for days to come.
