[2023-09-04] I like living
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
~ Agatha Christie
There was a time in my recovery from my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy that I thought I might never get back to feeling normal. For weeks, I couldn't sleep on either of my sides (only my back). I couldn't lift my arms above the lowest shelf in my kitchen cupboards. I experienced tightness in my sides every time I tried to remove a T-shirt. I was reluctant to lift anything even moderately heavy. I was in pain and needed painkillers.
And then, some seven weeks after the mastectomy and three weeks after my emergency surgery to remove one of my implants, something clicked. I mentioned to my surgeon that I was still experiencing pain in my breast with the implant. She told me that such discomfort was normal and that I should massage my breast. I took her advice and felt almost immediate relief. The next day was even better. And every day since then has brought an incremental but noticeable improvement in my body. I can now lift as much as I did before surgery. I can do almost every activity I did in the past, such as cooking, cleaning, driving and playing ping pong. I can sleep on both of my sides, with only a bit of discomfort.
I still can't put my arms out to my sides and lift them straight overhead (like Vitruvian Man), but I am confident that I will be able to do so in the near future.
My only lingering issue is stiffness in my knees, which I feel whenever I crouch down. I attribute this to having slept on my back, on an incline, for seven weeks. Perhaps without realizing it, I was putting strain on my knees. While this issue doesn't affect my day-to-day functioning—I can walk without pain and even use a stationary bike—I hope that it resolves soon.
It's worth recording the pain and doubt I experienced during my mastectomy recovery. Otherwise, I will soon forget it. It brings to mind this quote from Ashly Perez: "Embracing who we are clears a path for others." Noting both the downs and ups of my recovery will better position me to help someone else through the same thing in the future, perhaps even me.
