[2023-11-17] Releasing hurtful words
In response to last night's post, a friend sent me a message about how she had dealt with the hurt of being bullied at work, memories that would often awaken her at 4:00 AM.
Today was the day I chose to release the hurtful words into the lake. That choice of words is very intentional. I did not want to "drown" them or "chuck" them into the lake. I wanted to "dissolve" the words, removing their power to hurt. And it was remarkably effective.
I wrote them on toilet paper so that they would dissolve and sink to the bottom rather than float on the surface. I used one square for each saying, for eg. "X told me that she does "real social work" in the ER, while I do "just regular stuff in ICU." As I wrote each memory, I rolled the paper and twisted it. Then I placed it in the cashew nut jar I had selected for them.
There were fewer squares than I had anticipated. Only 23 of them. I had initially thought that I would kayak out and toss the notes out one by one, but instead I kayaked out to the middle of the lake, and unfurled each roll, read it and said "I release you into the lake", and lay the paper on the water. Each square promptly sank to the bottom.
I resisted my normal custom of including the information on the notes in my journal. And I am glad I did, or the exercise would not have been as effective.
The revelations that came to me were interesting.
- There were fewer notes than I thought there would be. And most notes were comments made by a group of three people. (Actually 23 is a whole lot of hurt.)
- I wondered how those comments had such a lasting power to hurt, and I think it is because I genuinely do not understand people who intentionally hurt others. I felt I must have deserved their cruelty.
- I realized that I had some anger at myself for not believing in myself and seeking help in dealing with the nasties. I chose to take "the high road" and react with integrity, not seeking support, not fighting back.
What completely escaped me until now, was that I had support from the other staff, but could not see it for the hurt I was going through. Staff had approached my supervisor to voice concerns about the nastiness. Staff had approached the union on my behalf, wishing to lay a "bullying" complaint. Staff had confronted the three about their actions.
My supervisor took disciplinary action against all three people involved.
So now, when I wake at 4 a.m. and remember this hurt, I will think of the words dissolving in the water. And I will focus on the support I received, and be grateful for that.
I thought that others would benefit from her story. She gave me permission to share it.
