[2021-02-23] Sitting with negativity

I've never been great at letting people sit with their negative emotions. I worry that validating their gloomy mindset will make them feel even worse—like the little boy who falls off his bike and scrapes his knee and then looks to his mom to know whether he should cry. And while I feel others' pain, I have a tendency to want to alleviate it by helping them see the situation from a more positive light or aiding them in finding a solution.

I've struggled in particular when I'm caught in the middle between two individuals. Validating the perceptions of one can feel like I'm taking sides or confirming that I agree that one party is entirely in the right while the other is entirely in the wrong. On these occasions, I often present the other party's position so that each person might see that their viewpoint isn't necessarily complete. Unfortunately, neither party feels heard, and everyone ends up feeling frustrated.

Further, as I wrote in Permission to feel all emotions, I have worried that my generally upbeat response to cancer might discourage people facing cancer or supporting a loved one with cancer from acknowledging their own pain and despair.

I thought of this when reading Katherine May's Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times. She draws attention to the glut of Facebook posts offering generic advice on how to cope with crises, presented like greeting cards with empty messages on attractive backgrounds. She writes:

This is where we are now, endlessly cheering ourselves into positivity while erasing the dirty underside of real life. I always read brutality in those messages: they offer next to nothing. There are days when I can say with great certainty that I am not strong enough to manage. And what if I can't hang on in there? What then?

May uses the word brutality; others use the term toxic positivity to describe the habit of rejecting or denying negative emotions in favour of a cheerful and often artificial facade. Social worker and author Kendra Cherry writes, "Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset." Similarly, clinical health psychologist Natalie Dattilo says, "While cultivating a positive mind-set is a powerful coping mechanism, toxic positivity stems from the idea that the best or only way to cope with a bad situation is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative."

People who insist on positivity may end up minimizing other people's feelings because of their own discomfort with unhappiness, shaming others when they don't have a positive attitude, alienating and isolating those who are already struggling, or shutting others down, thereby preventing them from voicing what they're experiencing.

When we internalize the belief that we must always present a brave face, we may end up brushing off our problems rather than facing them, hiding our true feelings behind more socially acceptable emotions, or feeling guilty about being sad, angry or disappointed.

I was encouraged by a clarification from psychology professor Stephanie Preston that the issue isn't people who are genuinely effusive and upbeat. She states: "It’s a problem when people are forced to seem or be positive in situations where it’s not natural or when there’s a problem that legitimately needs to be addressed that can’t be addressed if you don’t deal with the fact that there is distress or need."

My daughter has been my best teacher in my efforts to not rush someone to adopt a new perspective or implement a solution when they come to me feeling sad or depressed or hurt. She reminds me that she wants to be heard and doesn't need me to present solutions. I'm learning.

What my daughter acknowledges and the experts corroborate is that most people are trying to be sympathetic and comforting. Several articles I read on the subject offered alternatives to overly positive statements. For example:

Toxic Statements
Non-Toxic Alternatives
Just stay positive!
I'm listening.
It could be worse.
That must be really hard.
Things happen for a reason.
Sometimes bad things happen. How can I help?
Failure is not an option.
Failure is sometimes part of life.
Happiness is a choice.
Your feelings are valid.
Don’t worry. Be happy!
I see that you’re really stressed. Anything I can do?
Everything will work out in the end.
I know this is really hard. I’m thinking of you.

Consistent among these statements is the focus on the person feeling down, not the confidante. Debra Kaysen, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, says, "It’s really about keeping the attention on the other person.... You’re giving the person a place where they can actually have the emotions they’re having and doing that first before you jump in and try to fix it." My daughter tells me that the worst thing she hears when she's upset are statements like "Oh, I had that problem. Here's what I did." or "This is what you should have done."

Katherine May wonders whether the denial of negative feelings is worse than the feelings themselves:

We seem to be living in an age when we're bombarded with entreaties to be happy, but we're suffering from an avalanche of depression. We're urged to stop sweating the small stuff, yet we're chronically anxious. I often wonder if these are just normal feelings that become monstrous when they're denied. A great deal of life will always suck. There will be moments when we're riding high and moments when we can't bear to get out of bed. Both are normal. Both in fact require a little perspective.... We need friends who wince along with our pain, who tolerate our gloom, and who allow us to be weak for a while when we're finding our feet again.

I am lucky to have many friends who are validating my feelings as I experience the ups and downs of facing cancer. They have been helpful role models as I strive to support others who are feeling low.