[2022-08-29] The practice of saying no

A friend sent me an article today about four women who set a challenge for themselves in May 2021: to collectively say no to 100 work-related requests in a bid to counter pandemic and career burnout. It would take the environmental social scientists 10 months to reach their goal.

Along the way, they gained insights into the challenges of declining requests, and shared them in their article Why four scientists spent a year saying no. Amanda E. Cravens, Rebecca L. Nelson, A.R. Siders and Nicola Ulibarri wrote: "We offer four insights to others seeking to align their finite energy with seemingly infinite possibilities":
  1. Tracking helped make "no" an option
  2. Say no more often and to larger asks
  3. Saying no is emotional work
  4. Practice makes "no" easier

I was struck by the notion of aligning "finite energy" with seemingly "infinite possibilities." As someone with considerable energy, I can easily convince myself that I can say yes to many possibilities. I still slip into old habits from time to time, but I've gotten much better. I attribute my improved ability to politely reject new, shiny opportunities to two things: having had cancer and having retired. With its life-shortening potential, cancer has helped me to focus on activities I want to do as opposed to tasks I might have felt compelled to undertake in the past. And being retired means I can be choosy about where I spend my time, with accountability primarily to myself.

Tracking helped make "no" an option
To motivate their year of saying no, two members of the quartet focused on the gamification of the challenge whereby every "no" was one point toward their collective goal of 100 no's. One member reminded herself of JOMO—the joy of missing out. And another emulated colleagues who were more likely to say no. All four kept track of their completed tasks and how they were spending their day as a reminder of what they were accomplishing. And they identified their limits by week or month (for example, one journal review per month) rather than by year (12 journal reviews per year). This, no doubt, helped to ensure more rigour since it would be easy to accept more than one task per month, thinking that the average would balance out over the year, only to receive requests in later months that could not be easily declined.

While I haven't set a target of declining a certain number of requests, I do consider what I might be missing out on whenever I receive an invitation to take part in a new activity: indeed, I'm a fan of JOMO. I also faithfully log my accomplishments, linking them to the priorities I've set for myself. I identify with the authors' recommendations regarding limits; I set a similar one for myself when working full-time, namely, only one speaking engagement per month.

Say no more often and to larger asks
The four scientists found that while they had declined more things in their year of no than in previous years, they still had said yes to many things. They concluded that they hadn't turned down enough big tasks. "We often booked ourselves to the limit: we took on as many projects and roles as we thought we could handle," they noted. "Inevitably, when one of us or a colleague got sick or had a family or student crisis, they had no bandwidth or slack in their schedule. Building in this slack is crucial to being able to handle life events." Accordingly, they identified five questions to help them decide whether to accept a request:
  1. Does this opportunity fit my research agenda and identity?
  2. Does it "spark joy" (with a nod to Marie Kondo, doyenne of organization)?
  3. Do I have time to do a good job without sacrificing existing commitments?
  4. Does the opportunity leave space for my personal life?
  5. Am I uniquely qualified to fill this need?

These questions would have been useful when I received an invitation a few months ago to head up a new program. I was initially excited by the opportunity and felt it would be a good fit for me and I for it. However, in a pivotal conversation with a friend a few weeks later, we talked about priorities, and I realized that I hadn't defined mine in my new post-cancer, post-retirement reality. How could I decide whether the new opportunity was right for me if I hadn't articulated where I wanted to spend my time? In the weeks following that conversation, I chatted with others who raised additional considerations, all of which questioned the value of the assignment to me. I found myself repeating the wise adage, "just because you can doesn't mean you should." In other words, while I could take on the assignment, I risked becoming unduly focused on the new activity, to the potential detriment of my health, time with family and writing. I recognized that pre-cancer Jen would have jumped at the opportunity. Post-cancer Jen knew better than to overcommit.

Saying no is emotional work
The four environmental social scientists experienced a range of negative emotions as they said no: guilt, worry they were letting their colleagues down, concern they were not doing their fair share. They acknowledged: "We wanted to be kind, helpful and available, even if doing so left us personally overwhelmed." They recognized that their "cultural conditioning as women, academics and public servants" made it more difficult for them to set boundaries. So they started tracking their emotional responses to saying no. They learned to say no "early, firmly and completely" but also to soften the blow of their denial by suggesting others who could take on the task. They also increasingly looked for collaborators who respected their boundaries, personal lives and mental health.

As a woman and as someone who spent more than three decades in public service, I related to the idea of wanting to be kind, helpful and available. I took on many extra tasks while working full-time, driven by a desire to be kind, helpful and there for others. Recognizing the discomfort of saying no as emotional work is useful.

Practice makes "no" easier
The group found that with time and repetition, it became easier for them to justify their "no's" to themselves. They benefited from their support of each other. The four women have been meeting weekly for a decade to provide feedback on each other's research and, increasingly, to help each other decide what opportunities to decline.

I'm not sure that I would have declined the invitation to head up a new program had it not been for wise friends, who gave me good counsel.

Citing Oliver Burkeman, the four women wrote: "saying no is essential to create space and energy, so you can say yes to things that matter." The more we remind ourselves of what matters, the easier it is to say no to what doesn't—perhaps not all the time, but whenever we can.