[2022-10-28] How to validate someone

In February 2021, I wrote a blog post on Sitting with negativity. I admitted that I've never been good at letting people sit with their negative emotions but that I was learning, aided in large part by my daughter. Melanie has been my best teacher in trying not to rush someone to adopt a new perspective or implement a solution when they come to me feeling sad or depressed or hurt.

But I still suck at it. To this day, she has to remind me that when she comes to me, she wants to be heard, not to be offered solutions.

Tonight, I watched a relevant video by clinical psychologist Dr. Allison. In The Number One Thing to Do When Someone Comes to You with a Problem, she explains that the first thing we need to do when someone approaches us expressing sadness, disappointment, frustration or any negative emotion is to validate. She writes in the video's accompanying blog post:

So when someone comes to you with a problem, the very first thing you need to do is validate their experience. Acknowledge how they’re feeling. Be team them for...just a second. Sit with them in the experience long enough for them to know that they’re not alone.

The idea of "team them" really appealed to me. So if my daughter comes to me with an issue, I need to remind myself to be "Team Mel."

Dr. Allison's process to validate someone includes the following:
  • Acknowledge their experience: "It sucks that that happened." "That must be so hard."
  • Name the emotion: "I can see that you are upset/frustrated/disappointed."
  • Empathize with how they're feeling. "It makes sense that you are frustrated." "What you are feeling is understandable."
Dr. Allison states that you don't need to have a whole paragraph. You don't need to turn into a psychologist. You just need one or two lines acknowledging the person's emotions.

I would suggest a fourth step: Ask the person what they need. You could say: "How can I best help you?" or "What do you need from me right now?"

Dr. Allison notes that responding in this way shows the person that you were listening and that you heard them. She points out that most of the time when people come to us, they don't want our advice, tips or tricks.

That's hard for me. Because I'm a problem-solver by nature, I immediately go into problem-solving mode when someone comes to me with an issue or dilemma. This is what I spent 30+ years doing as a manager during my career: hearing problems, offering solutions, making decisions. I share a similar approach to that of US General Colin Powell who wrote in It Worked for Me: In Life and Leadership:

Problems come with just being alive, and even more come from responsibility. When they come, you just suck it up and get started again. You are never caught up. I've lived by the proposition that solving problems is what leaders do. The day you are not solving problems or are not up to your butt in problems is probably a day you are no longer leading. If your desk is clean and nobody is bringing you problems, you should be very worried. It means that people don't think you can solve them or don't want to hear about them. Or, far worse, it means they don't think you care. Either way it means your followers have lost confidence in you and you are no longer their leader, no matter what your rank or the title on the door.

But being a boss is different from being a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child, a friend. Some of these people don't want solutions when they come to me.

Of course, some do. So how do I know who wants what? A few ways: once I've validated the person's experience (even the people seeking a solution from me will welcome the acknowledgement of their feelings), I can ask ("How can I best help you?" or "What do you need from me right now?" or "Are you looking for my input or do you just want me to listen?") or I can wait to be invited to provide suggestions.

Dr. Allison concedes that:

Of course, this doesn’t mean that when someone comes to you with a problem that it’s bad to offer advice or feedback. But don’t start there. Start with validation. Often, people don’t really need advice from us. They can get there on their own.

I never print the visuals I create to accompany my posts, but tonight I did. I've posted this one in my home office as a reminder to validate, validate, validate.