[2023-03-23] Practical responses to complaining
I often encounter situations that remind me of something I wrote in Café Jen ten or more years ago. Such was the case today when I remembered a post I had written in 2011 with this catchy title: "How to respond to the grump dump."
In that post, I recalled having worked with someone who was a chronic complainer. She would arrive in my office and, after I had asked how she was, she would proceed to tell me everything that had gone wrong in her life in the preceding few weeks. Being subjected to such a grump dump was not only energy-draining, but also a big time suck.
The grump dump at work
In my 2011 post, I did note that not every negative conversation is a grump dump that should be avoided. Sometimes coworkers share experiences that are upsetting to them, such as a conflict between their professional and personal lives, and the best thing we can do is give them the time they need to express their feelings. Responding with empathy will be appreciated and remembered. This is especially true for managers, who are respected for acknowledging the private struggles of their employees and not just their work-related issues.
I shared three strategies for limiting the length of the grump dump at work and possibly moving the conversation to a more positive place.
1. Whenever anyone comes to your office, assess what you're in the middle of and let the person know the best time for a chat. As a people pleaser, I had a tendency to drop whatever I was doing the moment someone popped by. I learned to acknowledge the visitor, and invite them to settle in while I finished the task I was working on—often completing an email and sending it off—before I turned my attention to my colleague. This typically took less than 30 seconds but ensured that I didn't get to the end of my day with a bunch of unfinished emails that I thought I had already sent. If I were engaged in a longer task that couldn't be interrupted, I would ask my coworker whether their issue could wait until a later specified time.
2. Listen to the complainer and acknowledge the complaint. Most plaintiffs—and we're all one at some point—simply want to be heard. They're not necessarily looking for advice or a solution; they often just want to have someone else validate that what has annoyed them really is annoying. The experts say we should respond with simple acknowledgements that show we hear them and that we sympathize. For example, "It's so unfortunate that this happened. I would have been upset too."
3. Move the conversation back to work and what the person needs from you. So you've managed your time to minimize interruptions and you've acknowledged the complaint, but the grump dump continues. Now what? Indicate to your visitor that you need to get back to the task you were working on when they arrived or that you're up against a deadline, and ask, "Is there something you need from me?" Be clear to tie the "something" back to the work you're collectively engaged in. If your colleague was just coming in to complain, you will have been a sympathetic ear while not getting caught up in a long-winded discussion. And if your coworker really does need something work related, you will have successfully moved the conversation back to that.
The grump dump at home
It can be harder to avoid the grump dump in our personal lives than in our jobs. Indeed, we likely want to be empathic and supportive to our loved ones, just as we would want them to be empathic and supportive to us. Nevertheless, it can be difficult to be around someone who is persistently negative. Here are some additional strategies that can be employed with a family member or friend.
4. Validate. As I wrote in How to validate someone, when someone comes to you with a problem, disappointment or frustration, the best place to start is with validation. I quoted clinical psychologist Dr. Allison, who wrote:
So when someone comes to you with a problem, the very first thing you need to do is validate their experience. Acknowledge how they’re feeling. Be team them for...just a second. Sit with them in the experience long enough for them to know that they’re not alone.
Since reading that, I've often said to myself "Team Chris" when my husband has brought an issue to me. I try to focus less on my views of the issue and more on simply being supportive.
5. Validate the person if you can't validate the issue. Sometimes the issue someone brings to you is one you're uncomfortable validating. Perhaps they're seeing a slight where no slight was meant, or they've reached an erroneous conclusion because of a lack of information. Author and relationship coach Michael S. Sorensen writes is his post What Do I Do If My Partner is Constantly Complaining?:
Rather than judging whether or not the "issue" is deserving of validation, ask yourself whether your spouse deserves validation. Do they deserve to feel heard and understood? Or would you like them to feel that way? I would expect your answer to be "yes," because you love them. The beautiful (yet also tricky) thing about validation is that it’s about the person, not the issue.
It doesn't matter how misguided your spouse or another loved one may be, says Sorensen, because they won't be able to move forward until they feel heard and understood. You might ask questions such as "What about that do you feel is unfair?"
6. Ask what they need from you or whether they've thought about what they're going to do next. Asking what someone needs from you works in a personal context as well as a work context. It can help move the person beyond ruminating toward finding potential solutions. Equally effective is asking, "have you thought about what you're going to do next?" This approach—which I've picked up from my daughter—is a graceful way of gently turning the conversation in another direction, towards next steps and what the person has at least some measure of control over.
7. Ask permission to provide insights or suggestions. In another article, How to Validate Someone When You Don’t Agree With Them, Sorensen offers tips for providing additional information that your complainant may not have. After listening and validating, you may still have a perspective you want to provide. Before doing so, however, ask the person whether they want it. Sorensen writes:
Asking permission to share your thoughts shows a tremendous amount of respect for the other individual and, in turn, makes them much more receptive. This might look like any of the following: "This is obviously a difficult situation. I have a few additional insights if you’d like to hear them?" "Goodness. I do have some thoughts…may I share?" "That is tough. And, I don’t think you’re seeing it clearly. May I explain?" "I don’t blame you for being upset—from the information you had, it absolutely looked like that. May I share what really happened?"
Sorensen says that it's appropriate to correct misinformation, present your side of the story, or provide a second perspective as long as you first listen, validate and ask permission.
The good news on complaining
Not all complaining is unproductive. As Micaela Marini Higgs writes in The New York Times article Go Ahead and Complain. It Might Be Good for You., complaining can help us to name a problem and get to the bottom of it, to get feelings out where they can be understood and processed, and to gain perspective and identify what's really bothering us. Higgs states:
On top of social bonding, feedback from others can help us gain perspective—like figuring out if a boss’s comments were truly out of line—or notice patterns in the things that bother us, which might point to a larger unidentified problem.
You can avoid being the perpetrator of the grump dump by being clear with your listener whether you are just venting or whether you are truly looking for additional perspective or solutions. As Higgs notes, clarifying what you want from the other person will make them more comfortable and better able to give you what you want rather than what they think you need.
