[2023-07-19] Letting go and recovery day 12
During my convalescence, I've been listening to a fascinating podcast: Wiser Than Me. Host Julia Louis-Dreyfus (of Seinfeld and Veep fame) interviews older women on how to live a full and meaningful life. Among the women she interviews is author Isabel Allende.
I was struck by Allende's honesty. She says the best part of being her age is that she doesn't have to please anybody, except the people she loves. She describes her generation of feminists as having been raised like their mothers but needing to act like their daughters. She acknowledges her greatest regret, which was abandoning her children to move to another country with a lover. She reveals that, at 80, she still feels sexy and still enjoys sex—with marijuana.
But what jumped out at me was Allende's talk of letting go. She says, "when you reach this time in life, you let go of a lot of things." She calls this "the great freedom to let go." Of material stuff. Of relationships that are not worth keeping—toxic ones or boring ones. Of ambition and greed. Of trying to do certain things or to be a certain person. And finally, she's let go of her grandchildren. While she loves them, she doesn't need to feel hurt when they don't call her on her 80th birthday.
I took note when Allende spoke of letting go because a friend recently asked me to write a post about letting go. I wasn't sure where to take the subject but had confidence that a moment would occur when I felt ready to broach the topic.
Looking at past posts, I recalled that letting go is a form of self-care. As I shared in Self-care truths, "Self-care requires letting go of relationships, habits, and choices that are familiar but no longer serve you." Allende let go of the notion that her grandchildren should call her on her 80th birthday, and with it, the disappointment she might have felt. I am working on letting go of the notion that I will heal quickly, and with it, the frustration that I'm still experiencing discomfort, still needing pain medications every four hours, and still walking around with drains.
Letting go is entirely personal. It starts with an inventory of what is no longer serving you. Negative self-talk. The need to be in control of everything. Wanting to be right and to be acknowledged as being right. Doing everything yourself because others don't measure up to your standards. Meeting others' needs while sacrificing your own as a way of being loved. Having unrealistic expectations. Comparing yourself to others. Holding grudges. Spending an unhealthy amount of time online. Feeling invincible. Mourning the loss of your perfect health. It then requires doing the work to change your thinking.
A common theme running through the commentary of the various women interviewed on Wiser Than Me is the freedom that comes from having lived a long time. It reminded me (as I've written before) of something American author Toni Morrison told fellow writer Hilton Als. She was allowed to say three things in her 80s: no, shut up and get out. In other words, she had earned the right not to do what she didn't want to do.
Wiser Than Me is an inspiring podcast, one that encourages us to learn a few things sooner than we might by hearing the experiences of remarkable women, in their 70s, 80s and 90s.
As for my recovery, I began the day feeling tired, despite a decent night of sleep. I was afraid that I might be coming down with the stomach flu that my husband and son had had this week; fortunately, that did not occur (at least not to date). I felt more discomfort than I have in recent days, and found myself looking at my watch when the pain increased, mentally calculating whether I was due for more pain meds. And my drains continued to exceed the 20 mL threshold.
So, tonight, I am letting go of any timetable for recovery. I know that even if today were harder than yesterday, this week—overall—was better than last week. And next week will be better than this week.
