[2023-02-15] Compendium of posts: grief
In response to my invitation to readers to cover topics of interest to them, a friend asked me to write about grief. She explained that two of her loved ones had recently lost children and "they've both been swallowed whole by their grief." She added, "I feel there’s nothing I can say or do that will truly help, but I keep trying to think of something to say or do."
I commiserated with her, acknowledging that it's difficult to watch a loved one experience sadness and other intense emotions as they try to cope with the death of someone they cared deeply about.
Like my friend, I have a tendency to want to do or say something to make the grieving person feel better, to help them cope with their bereavement. I used to think that the kind thing to do when someone was feeling sad was to say something soothing or positive to help them feel less sad. Increasingly, though, I'm learning that the kindest thing I can do is to acknowledge their sadness, validate their feelings, reassure them that I will be close by while they grieve, and provide whatever support they need from me. This could be listening, but it could also be doing chores they don't have the emotional strength to tackle, helping them take a break from their mourning, and sharing positive news.
I'm also learning to accept that others are ultimately responsible for their own healing. As Anne Morrow Lindbergh is quoted as saying, "Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone; his own burden in his own way." My job is to allow them to sit with their despair and to train myself to sit quietly with them, ready to listen. I recognize that sitting with grief is hard for the mourner and hard for the person who loves the mourner. So I give myself permission to take breaks from the heavy emotions. I also try to remember to ask my loved one how I can best support them, rather than assume: sometimes it's listening while they pour out their sorrow; other times, it's helping to give them respite from all the heartbreak. Mostly, it's reassuring the person that they're not alone.
Last year, journalist Gill Deacon wrote an article on her experience with grief following the death of her father. She said:
Death is universal, commonplace, inevitable. And still, somehow, a unique and fresh force when it strikes within your circle; one those left behind are almost always unprepared to handle.
Weep, process, walk, repeat.
There is no order to grief. It is a mountaintop from which we each descend by our own means; a path with sudden twists; a deflating ball inside a box; an ocean crossing—of all the emotions, grief must be the most analogy-ridden.
Deacon's statements reminded me of my cancer treatment. I discovered that recovering from surgery, chemotherapy and radiation were not linear processes, with each day better than the one before. Grieving feels like that to me as well—one day, I can feel like I'm turning a corner, starting to feel like my old self again, and the next day, I can be right back in the middle of pain and despair.
In honour of my friend's request to write about grief, I pulled together all my previous posts on the subject and grouped them in a new category called Grief, available on my Categories page and reproduced here:
- [2020-12-09] Secrets of resilient people - researcher Lucy Hone, who lost her 12-year-old daughter, shares these secrets: resilient people understand that bad things happen, resilient people focus their attention on what's good in the world, resilient people ask themselves, "Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"
- [2021-02-10] Alive - lessons from Sheryl Sandberg after the death of her husband; her perspective is relevant to someone mourning any loss, including the loss of one's health after diagnosis with a life-threatening illness
- [2021-04-26] Perspective - lessons on resilience from Canadian comedian Martin Short, who lost his wife, Nancy, to ovarian cancer and who said "tough experiences...strengthen you against further adversity"
- [2021-08-22] Greg's day - we all experience loss, grief, sadness, regret; it is comforting to know that we are not alone, that others struggle with their emotions even years after the death of a loved one, that it does get easier with time
- [2021-09-27] Grief - sometimes, it feels like grief is all around me, hanging in the air like heavy smoke; other times, it feels like it has invaded me, like a damp chill that seeps into my bones
- [2021-10-22] Interviews on grief and cancer coaching - grief is not just about when you lose a loved one; we can face grief whenever we experience loss, including loss of employment, status, financial security, routine, human connection, and—as in my case—health
- [2022-02-22] In your words: cancer's impact on loved ones - stories of the profound grief experienced by people who have lost a loved one to cancer, with a glimmer of hope
- [2022-04-15] How did you overcome grief? - an invitation to readers to share how they coped with grief after losing a loved one, inspired by one person's story
- [2022-05-11] In your words: living with grief - after asking readers "How did you overcome grief?" I learned that most people don't overcome grief; they simply learn to live with it
- [2022-05-12] You are not alone - a different type of grief: one woman's story of mourning the loss of the expectation that she would raise a typical, healthy child
- [2022-09-19] Service and dignity - reflecting on my cherished memories of loved ones I have lost in the context of Queen Elizabeth II's state funeral
I leave you with this quote by Earl Grollman: "Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity—the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve."
