In the past, managers may have been accustomed to addressing circumstances that impacted employees directly and individually, such as a death in their family or an illness, and—perhaps to a lesser extent—circumstances that impacted employees directly but as a group, such as downsizing or a workplace accident. Now, managers are increasingly being called upon to support employees who are saddened by events not within their immediate families, communities or workplaces, but in the country or the world at large. Many leaders may feel unsure of what to say, and therefore say nothing at all.

One skill we can all learn—whether talking to someone facing a serious illness, consoling someone who has lost a loved one, or listening to someone impacted by events halfway across the world—is to validate. As I wrote in How to validate someone, the first thing we need to do when someone approaches us expressing sadness, disappointment, frustration or any negative emotion is to validate their experience. Acknowledge how they're feeling. Imagine what it's like to be in their shoes. Sit with them long enough for them to know they're not alone. Clinical psychologist Dr. Allison recommends these three steps and offers suggested language:

One of the hardest things—especially for leaders—is to sit with someone who is devastated by a set of circumstances and not want to take their pain away, to help them see things from a more positive perspective, to move them to solutions. Managers are managers, in part, because they are good at solving problems, are persuasive in their arguments, and are efficient at moving people from dark cloud to silver lining. But employees struggling with a personal or world event are rarely looking for a solution or a new perspective. Usually, they want to be heard, understood and validated, and to know that their boss understands the impact external events are having on them.

Another post that came to mind while speaking with my friend was How to talk to someone who has cancer. It turns out that much of the advice for speaking with someone facing cancer can, with a few tweaks, be applied in a conversation with someone facing any difficult situation. I've updated some of the advice from that post to apply to an employee touched by world events.

Saying "that really sucks" or "I'm sorry to hear what you're going through" gives the person permission to feel what they feel and communicates that it's OK for them to be sad, worried or scared.

As I acknowledged in Sitting with negativity, I've never been great at letting people sit with their negative emotions, though—with my daughter's help—I'm getting better. I used to worry that validating another person's gloomy mindset would make them feel even worse—like the little boy who falls off his bike and scrapes his knee and then looks to his mom to know whether he should cry. And while I felt others' pain, I had a tendency to want to alleviate it by helping them see the situation from a more positive light or aiding them in finding a solution. I struggled in particular when caught in the middle between two individuals. Validating the perceptions of one felt like I was taking sides or confirming that I agreed that one party was entirely in the right while the other was entirely in the wrong. On those occasions, I often presented the other party's position so that each person might see that their viewpoint wasn't necessarily complete. Unfortunately, neither party felt heard, and everyone ended up feeling frustrated.

What I've learned in recent years (since having cancer and spending a lot more time with my daughter) is that validating someone doesn't require me to take sides. Telling someone I understand how they feel doesn't necessarily mean I agree with their viewpoint. And until someone feels heard, they're not likely to be open to other perspectives.

In Sitting with negativity, I also talked about the concept of toxic positivity, which social worker and author Kendra Cherry described as "the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset." Similarly, clinical health psychologist Natalie Dattilo said that "While cultivating a positive mind-set is a powerful coping mechanism, toxic positivity stems from the idea that the best or only way to cope with a bad situation is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative."

People who insist on positivity may end up minimizing other people's feelings because of their own discomfort with unhappiness, shaming others when they don't have a positive attitude, alienating and isolating those who are already struggling, or shutting others down, thereby preventing them from voicing what they're experiencing.

To avoid the risk of toxic positivity, replace the statements on the left with those on the right:

Consistent among these statements is the focus on the person feeling down, not the confidante. Debra Kaysen, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, said, "It’s really about keeping the attention on the other person.... You’re giving the person a place where they can actually have the emotions they’re having and doing that first before you jump in and try to fix it."