[2024-01-31] The good of giving and receiving

Today was a day of giving.

It began with an early start so that I could accompany a friend to a medical procedure. I collaborated with her as we figured out where to go and what to do. I laughed with her as the nurse asked what music she wanted to listen to during her procedure and, without missing a beat, she replied "Bon Jovi." And I cried tears of joy with her as she received good news from her doctor. It was an honour to be asked to help, and a gift that my assistance was accepted so readily and with such gratitude. What a beautiful example of women supporting women.

Later in the day, I made a treat to take to a coffee date with a friend. We have a standing invitation to get together on the last Wednesday of each month. While the exact timing may shift if a conflict with our chosen time emerges, we always manage to meet. We alternate who buys the coffee, never worrying whose turn it is to pick up the tab because neither of us remembers or cares. What's important is our conversation, our mutual love and respect for each other, and our shared commitment to our friendship. She loved my treat, asking for the recipe (the highest form of praise). I loved our discussion and our walk in the neighbourhood when the coffee shop closed before we had run out of things to say. In truth, we never run out of things to say, only time. But knowing that we will see each other again in a month makes parting not a sweet sorrow.

I love helping people, making them treats, being a friend. Their compliments and appreciation are worth more to me than the little time, money and energy I expend in their service. What's more, their acceptance of my tokens of friendship makes me happy and creates meaning in my life.

In my coffee conversation with my friend today, I recalled the post I had written on reciprocity guilt, which I defined as that negative feeling we get when we believe that we're not reciprocating someone else's thoughtfulness in the same way or at the same pace. I noted that "many of us feel guilty when someone gives us something that we believe we don't merit or haven't earned, or when we conclude that we're not repaying the other person sufficiently for what they are giving to us."

But if we recognize that givers benefit from their giving, we might experience less reciprocity guilt.

In Five Ways Giving Is Good for You, Jason Marsh and Jill Suttie write that "New studies attest to the benefits of giving—not just for the recipients but for the givers’ health and happiness, and for the strength of entire communities." Their five reasons to give are these:
  1. Giving makes us feel happy. A 2008 Harvard Business School study found that giving money to someone else increased givers' happiness more than spending the money on themselves. Similarly, a 2006 National Institutes of Health study found that giving to charities activated regions of givers' brains associated with pleasure, social connection and trust, creating a "warm glow" effect or what some call a "giver's high."
  2. Giving is good for our health. A 1999 University of California (Berkeley) study found that elderly people who volunteered for two or more organizations were less likely to die over a five-year period than were non-volunteers. Similarly a 2003 University of Michigan study found that elderly couples who helped friends, relatives or neighbours, or gave emotional support to their spouses, had a lower risk of dying over a five-year period than those who didn’t. And a 2006 study out of Johns Hopkins University and the University of Tennessee found that people who provided social support to others had lower blood pressure than participants who didn’t.
  3. Giving promotes cooperation and social connection. Several studies have suggested that giving to others creates a sense of trust and cooperation as well as feelings of closeness. A recent Florida State University study found that expressing gratitude to a close friend or romantic partner strengthens our sense of connection to that person.
  4. Giving evokes gratitude. Happiness researcher Barbara Fredrickson, author of the book Positivity, is quoted as saying, "When you express your gratitude in words or actions, you not only boost your own positivity but [other people’s] as well," adding, "And in the process you reinforce their kindness and strengthen your bond to one another."
  5. Giving is contagious. A study out of the University of California (San Diego) and Harvard found that when individuals behave generously, it inspires others who see their acts of generosity to behave generously toward different people, creating a ripple effect of altruism in a community.

So the next time you need help or are offered a gift, take it. Far from being selfish, your acceptance and appreciation of another person's gift may be the most generous and giving thing you can do.