[2023-06-09] Hugged, heard or helped

The other day, a friend sent me a New York Times article entitled When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question. The question was this: "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

The writer of the article, Jancee Dunn, noted that her sister (a special education teacher in elementary school) regularly asks the question when a student in her class becomes agitated or overwhelmed. Dunn surmised that the question could be used just as effectively among adults.

For my part, I wasn't sure whether it would sound right to say or write this to another adult. However, since reading the article, I had an opportunity to use the question, and I found it very effective. I simply changed the order of the options to one that seemed more appropriate: "Would you like to be hugged, heard or helped?" From everything I've read and observed, most people don't want to be helped—at least not initially—when they bring a problem to someone else. Most often, they simply want to be heard. And, as Dunn pointed out in her article, people who are upset may already know potential solutions to their issue but may need to express their frustration or disappointment before moving into problem-solving mode.

Asking what the other person needs from us is helpful because different people look for different things from a conversation. Even the same individual may want a hug in one situation, an empathic ear in another, and perspective or ideas in a third.

As I've written before (Practical responses to complaining, How to validate someone and Sitting with negativity), some other questions you can ask an upset loved one are these:
  • How can I best help you?
  • What do you need from me right now?
  • Are you looking for my input or do you just want me to listen?
  • Have you thought about what you're going to do next?
  • Is there anything I can do?
But what I love about the question shared in The New York Times is its alliteration: helped, heard or hugged. That makes it easier to remember the three choices one might offer someone.