[2023-06-01] Supporting a cancer patient

Today, a friend reached out to me to say that her neighbour, whom she chats with mainly online, was diagnosed with cancer and would soon be starting her second chemotherapy treatment. My friend wondered what she could do to help her neighbour, particularly as the person's first round of chemotherapy had been rough.

How to support someone you know a little who is going through cancer treatment

Given that my friend does not appear to know her neighbour well, I would suggest that she drop off a small gift basket containing items that a cancer patient might need. The night before I started my first round of chemotherapy, my sister dropped off a chemo care package that she, her daughter (a nurse) and my mother had put together. Among other things, it contained Biotene mouthwash and Life Savers to address dryness in the mouth, a super soft toothbrush to help with sensitive gums, fragrance-free and hypoallergenic body wash and cream to counter skin dryness, lip balm to prevent dry lips, Gravol and ginger snacks to deal with nausea, and Epsom salts to support a relaxing bath. My friend could pick a few items from this list. It's not about creating the perfect gift; it's about making a gesture that says I'm thinking of you, you're not alone and I'm here for you. My friend could add a card expressing empathy and validation ("I'm sorry that you are going through this; I'm sure it's very hard"), offering specific suggestions about things she could do to help ("I would be happy to help in any way I can, such as making food for you or your family, watering your outdoor plants, picking up and dropping off groceries") and indicating that she will stay in touch ("If you're OK with it, I will check in with you every week or so to see if you need a hand").

If my friend is a sewer, she could make her neighbour a neck pillow. The mom of an extended family member (and now a friend in her own right) sent me what she called a "funny little pillow" just after I got out of the hospital from surgery. Shaped like a foot-long peanut, the pillow can be tucked behind a neck, under a knee, or against a belly. It can provide both physical and emotional comfort. I took it to every chemotherapy treatment, and used it daily during my recovery.

My friend could include an inspiring book, such as The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse. A thoughtful colleague sent me this perfect gift a few weeks before I started chemotherapy, and it became a reliable source of wisdom to get me through my darker days.

How to support someone you know a lot who is going through cancer treatment

For anyone supporting a loved one as they undergo treatment for cancer, I would add these tips.

Read or reread my post on talking with someone who has cancer
In my post How to talk with someone who has cancer, I provided 13 tips on talking with a friend or family member who is facing the disease. Among the pieces of advice I offered were these: acknowledge that being diagnosed with cancer sucks, don't downplay the situation, avoid any sentence that starts with "at least," don't predict the future, and treat them the way you did before they were diagnosed.

Listen and validate
The most helpful thing you can do for someone going through a difficult period is to listen and validate, as I wrote in How to validate someone. If they're feeling sad, allow them to be sad. You don't need to help them look on the bright side, or see the silver lining or not to worry. Meet them where they are:
  1. Acknowledge their experience: "It sucks that that happened." "That must be so hard."
  2. Name the emotion: "I can see that you are upset/frustrated/disappointed."
  3. Empathize with how they're feeling: "It makes sense that you are frustrated." "What you are feeling is understandable."
  4. Ask the person what they need: "How can I best help you?" or "What do you need from me right now?"
Meeting them where they are may also mean being positive if they're feeling positive. Follow their lead.

Make your offers of help specific
If you make a general offer of help ("Let me know if I can do anything for you"), don't be surprised if your loved one never reaches out to ask for support. It's difficult for many people to ask for help—at the best of times—but even more so when they're feeling vulnerable and upset that they can no longer do certain things for themselves. Plus, your loved one may not know what you're willing to do or capable of doing. You might say, "Could I bring you food, such as soup and scones? Do you need a lift to medical appointments? Would you like me to put your garbage and recycle out on garbage day? Do you need help walking your dog?" Your list doesn't need to be exhaustive, but a few suggestions of various types of actions may give your loved one an idea of something you could do to help.

Remember your loved ones' family
Cancer takes a toll not only on the person diagnosed with the disease but their family members as well (see In your words: cancer's impact on loved ones, Caring for the caregivers and Cancer's impact on the family). Family members have their own emotions to deal with—such as fear, sadness and helplessness—as well as additional responsibilities, as they pick up tasks previously done by the cancer patient and care for the individual. You can offer help to family members, such as taking the cancer patient to appointments or treatments, taking kids to school or extracurricular activities, or spending time with the cancer patient while they do something else (be it a task or a moment of self-care for themselves). For example, the day I went to the hospital for surgery for ovarian cancer, a friend made lasagna and chocolate chip cookies for my family—people she had never met—just to show her support to all of us.

Stay in touch
Check in with your loved one every week or so to see how they're doing and whether they need anything. Sometimes people start out thinking that they'll be fine and won't need help, but change their minds after going through one or two treatments. If you are afraid of intruding, you can ask your friend how often they would like you to check in. At each check-in, you can make a different offer of support.

Whether you know the person diagnosed with cancer a little or a lot, any action you take to reach out, to show empathy and to offer support will be appreciated, even if the person doesn't initially or ultimately accept your offer of help. At the very least, they will know you care—and that's worth a lot.