[2024-07-20] Saturday Synopsis #105
Today, I exchanged a container of homemade chocolate chip cookies for several bras that I will need following my breast reconstruction surgery next month. A kind friend passed along the bras she used when she had breast reconstruction surgery more than a year ago. This same woman had previously leant me a wedge pillow and shirt with pockets for drains, which I used last summer after my bilateral mastectomy. I'm so grateful for her support, and for the many ways in which women help women.
Looking back at how far I've come in the past year, I can confirm that it has felt like being on a scenic road. Beautiful, eye-opening, life-affirming even with a few bumps in the road and surprises along the way.
"One definition of legacy is what someone feels, thinks and says when they hear your name. What are you doing today to build the legacy you want?"
— Tim Belber
But just as I faced no pressure to be anything but who I was, I don't want my example to put pressure on anyone else to feel that they need to be anything but who they are. It's not necessary for us all to strive to be eagles. It is perfectly OK to be a chicken.
As a society, we all seem to be better trained in maintaining good physical health than in fostering positive mental health. That could be for a number of reasons. First, most of us have enduring relationships with healthcare professionals who help us maintain our physical, dental and optical health, but fewer among us have an ongoing relationship with a mental health professional. Second, we learn about good practices for physical care in school and often emulate our parents in our own choices (for good or bad), but fewer among us learn about good practices for mental care or have conversations with our parents about how to take care of our minds. Third, we have models for enabling good physical health (such as Canada's Food Guide), but not necessarily a readily available and universally agreed-upon model for fostering good mental health.
I used to think that "being present" meant doing something active with another person, with no distractions. Perhaps that's what it meant when parenting Shane and Mel as children or when courting Chris. But as I've aged, I've come to think that "being present" is often about being available, just in case I'm needed. "Being present" is neither exclusively about A (being engaged) or B (being available). It's both A and B, and it can change over time.
When an alleyway is filled with rubbish, it's easy for people to conclude that no one cares and that one more piece of garbage won't make a difference. But transform the refuse-strewn back alley into a charming and peaceful space, and people will be much less likely to leave their unwanted junk behind.
"Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up."
— A.A. Milne
Know yourself deeply: be ready to change; listen to feedback from others about you and act on it.
But my motivation for clear and concise writing wasn't simply to save my recipients time. It was also to ensure that my communication was read and responded to. This was especially true with emails. Most employees receive dozens of emails every day. Executives might receive hundreds of emails daily. It was essential for me to find a way to cut through that noise to ensure that my recipients (1) opened my message, (2) read it, and (3) responded to it.
I recalled these two practices today when I reviewed an infographic presenting Six Questions to Create Psychological Safety with Your Team Members by leadership speaker and coach Jean Marie DiGiovanna:
- "What's one gift, skill or talent you have that I've overlooked, under-valued or under-utilized?"
- "What motivates you and how can we bring more of that to your work?"
- "What's one thing I need to know about you that will improve our relationship?"
- "What's the thing you see me doing that's helping me best contribute to the team?"
- "What's the thing I do that's detracting from our success?"
- "What's one thing you need from me that will enable you to be successful?"
I've been thinking a lot about genetic testing in the last few days. I recently learned that actor Pierce Brosnan lost his first wife, Cassandra, to ovarian cancer. His daughter and mother-in-law also died of the disease. It's not clear whether Brosnan's daughter, who died in 2013, was ever tested for a gene mutation. It would have been too early for her mom, who died in 1991, and much too early for her grandmother, who died when Cassandra was in her teens. I am a proponent of genetic testing when a family member receives a confirmed diagnosis of a pathogenic gene mutation (a mutation capable of causing disease). My own genetic testing has given me information and choices that would not otherwise have been available to me.
A visit isn't a visit without a cup of tea and a little sweet treat.
"Life doesn't always offer us the choices we want, but it does usually offer us choices of some sort, and that's where we have to look to find our power sometimes."
— A friend
Letting go is entirely personal. It starts with an inventory of what is no longer serving you. Negative self-talk. The need to be in control of everything. Wanting to be right and to be acknowledged as being right. Doing everything yourself because others don't measure up to your standards. Meeting others' needs while sacrificing your own as a way of being loved. Having unrealistic expectations. Comparing yourself to others. Holding grudges. Spending an unhealthy amount of time online. Feeling invincible. Mourning the loss of your perfect health. It then requires doing the work to change your thinking.
